Public Apology; the First of what will probably be Many.

on 14 March 2008

Do you ever have those moments where you sink to the worst version of yourself?

Maybe it's just me.

I'm pretty sure that most men don't understand this, but pregnancy is not and easy state of being. Aside from the physical discomforts there are all these additional hormones floating around, which totally mess you up psychologically. I've always theorized that overly hormonal women fall in to two categories: weepy or angry (I'm sure we can all think of a more graphic term here, but I'm trying to keep this family friendly).

Let's just say that The Overly Hormonal Version of the Wife is...well, angry.

The Husband and I had this conversation a while back. I was telling him how my Mental Filter works...under normal circumstances about 50% of what I think actually comes out of my mouth, leaving the remaining 50%--stuff that's mean, insensitive, inappropriate, whiny--unsaid. What with the Pregnant Version of the Wife those numbers change. When I have the energy to think before I speak, about 15% of what I think actually comes out of my mouth leaving the other 85% of mean, selfish, cruel, whiny things unsaid.

Yesterday we had a significant malfunction in the Mental Filter of the Wife.

And why is it, that when that happens it can't happen to say...a total stranger, a telemarketer, even better a politician, someone I don't care about and won't have to see ever again? Why is it that it inevitably happens with the person I love best in all the world--the Husband?

As if he's not having a hard enough semester as it is. Poor man. Work, homework, internship drama, computer programming drama, pregnant wife and then suddenly WHAM! Hello, Demon Woman! Wow. I didn't know you had joined us.

I've had plenty of mean things said to me before and I've said more than my fair share. I always thought of The Mean Things We Say in terms of the people we say them to or about. I know that it hurts. That's why I work so hard with the Mental Filter now. But frankly, I've never felt so horribly about anything mean that I've said before, the way that I do now. I've never before wanted to sink into a puddle and cry and wail, "I didn't mean that!! Let's just rewind and I'll say something better this time!"

I'm not sure what's different. If I've just grown up, if it's because this is my Husband, my best friend, the man, the Human Being I love BEST in all the world, the one that I TRUST more than anyone else. Or if it's because I knew at the time that I shouldn't have said it, I had that small moment of clarity but my tiny, petty, mean little Id wanted the satisfaction of saying whatever it thought rather than being calm and rational. I'm not sure if the horrible guilt is because I know that it's hormones (I hate that I sounds like a big, walking, pregnant cliche) and that under normal circumstances I would never say such things.

He's very hard to figure out, he is. He is slow in friendship, but once he forms those friendships there's nothing in the world he wouldn't do for those few people. He's impatient and sometimes quick to anger but slow to show it. He's much quicker to forgive than I deserve. He loves very deeply but rarely shows least in ways that most would expect. His Mental Filter is in excellent working condition even though I deserved a Chernobyl sized melt down yesterday. He chooses silence rather than cruelty 99.9% of the time. I think I've only ever seen him fight once in 4 years and that wasn't with me. He's not destructive in the least, he'd rather chop up a tree into something useful than break, tear, or wreck something. He'll choose a joke over seriousness every single time.

I love him more than I can say. I'm more sorry than I can say. I've written a lot for someone who can't seem to say very much at all.