Weep

on 07 October 2009

Why is it that, right before leaving your only child for the first time, you can't seem to remember how awful those first few weeks were? Or the teething that made you want to die? Or the diapers that haunt your dreams?

Why?

Why is it that the only child is always lovely and sweet and tender and so SO attatched to you? Why does it hurt my heart so much to leave him behind?



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Last night, I fed him dinner. I bathed him. I dressed him in his fleecey pajamas. I held him tightly while he drank warm milk. We brushed teeth. We said prayers. We had a long cuddle in the dark. I explained that Mama had to go away for a little while, but that I would come back. I will always come back. That Grandma and Grandpa love him and won't let anything bad happen. And I will always always come back.

And then I laid him down to sleep and left the room.

I woke up this morning, I dressed in the dark. I zipped my bag and walked out the door. I'm trusting that everything will be ok. I believe that everything will be ok.

It still hurts.

4 comments:

SH said...

You made me cry reading that! But you are correct - it will all be okay. He's in good hands and you are going to have a fun time in NYC. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Amy said...

I have yet to leave Nate overnight but I feel all angsty and nervous just thinking about it.

I hope you have a great time in NY. The time away will make it all the sweeter to come home.

parkingathome said...

Oh my heart!

Erin P said...

Beautifully written!

About 15 years ago I got up early, packed my 12 week old's favorite things, and went to the house of the sweet, caring woman I had chosen to care for my son, put him in her arms, and went back to work. I am still greatful that my co-workers (young nurses on an ICU) had all been through the same thing, and simply understood--because the tears had not yet stopped when I got up to the unit to start the day.

It is hard, and boy does it hurt. Now that my boy is a teen, I make a conscious decision to let him go, so he can grow...but you have years for that one!