Childbirth Class: The Finale

Last night was our last childbirth class.

We got a certificate. That the Husband wants to hang in his cubical. Or maybe on the office wall for the Boy to see, that yes, his parents were qualified to bring him into this world. HA!

It started off nicely enough, everyone inquiring how I was feeling as I come hobbling into the room. I try to stand up straight and not limp and not show weakness--I don't want to scare these girls that, "Yes! This debilitating pain, the aches and sore muscles are coming right at you and you can swerve but they'll get you all the same!"

Anyway.

We reviewed stage 2 of labor in gory detail. And after several conversations with my sisters I wonder why anyone has children EVER. There is NO good way to get them here. It's all loaded with pain and blood and misery and then the RECOVERY is loaded with MORE pain and blood and misery.

We got into different laboring positions for another round of practice. The Husband had a lovely tennis ball for applying counter-pressure on my back and I had just finished teasing him about the nurses frowning on rogue tennis balls in L&D when (of course) he dropped it and went off chasing it while I laughed until I snorted into my pillow. We are not mature enough to become parents.

We then practiced some pushing positions. It's a good things I knew going into pregnancy that I was checking my dignity at the door and would pick it up with the baby on the way out. Some of these are just...well...my grandmother would say they're just not lady-like. At one point there were 8 couples, all of the women lying on their sides with their legs curled up to their chests and their husbands hiking the top leg up above their head.

The instructor comes over to us to try to curl my legs closer around my belly and I grimace and say, "Um. I'm sorry, but here at Burnstopia we don't bend like that any more...the muscles have gone on strike." At which point she's so sweet and sympathetic and pets my head and says, "I know. It'll get better." And I wanted to cry and also hug her and beg her to be my doula. The upside is that everyone in the room was laughing at the nature of this position. EVERYONE. The Hippies, the High Strung Couple, and everyone in the middle--there are few things in the world so equalizing as the humiliation of childbirth.

And that was it. We talked about newborns and what they look like (read: Alien) and some nursing techniques and then we got our certificates and headed home.

On the upside. Last night was the full moon and more babies are born around the full moon than at other times in the month. The downside is: many contractions but absolutely no rhyme nor reason to any of them. So, meh, whatever. He'll get here when he gets here...