The Birth Class that Wasn't

Yes, I know you have all been waiting patiently to hear all about our Birth class exploits, and what I have for you will surely disappoint, but here we go.

Yesterday's class was all about pain relief and c-sections. I have a lot of opinions about these two things and have taken A LOT of grief about my opinions on these two things.

So I'm a-just gonna keep those to m'self.

Anyway, Hippy Woman managed to restrain herself for the most part. The High Strung Couple kept looking at each other as each variation on pain modification was mentioned and smiling and nodding and saying, "Epidural!" with this overly-cheery tone in their voice. One couple looked as if they would just like the epidural to be given to them NOW and the rest of pregnancy be damned. What surprised me was how many women had no idea how an epidural worked, and that they wouldn't be able to get up and move around--in spite of hearing the instructor AND a video tell them that epidurals necessitate catheters.

Anyway, moving on. Our instructor then set up the conference room as if for a c-section and asked one of the Fathers to volunteer to have a c-section performed on them and Hippy Man volunteered--which rather endeared me to him...he's really a good sport and was very, very funny. He put on the pink gown and the fake baby and lay down and let our instructor do all manner of things to prep him for the surgery. The room quickly filled up with the other class members representing the various techs, nurses, surgeons, med students and doctors who would all be present--until there were only 3 or 4 of us sitting down--myself included.

The instructor started to describe the procedure and I started rocking back and forth in my seat chanting quietly, "We're going down, we're going down, we're going down and we're all gonna die." There are few things so frightening to me as surgery...it's just so unnatural. All your internal organs out there for DISPLAY and in the AIR which is NOT where they belong. And your arms and legs all tied down and the tubes and the wires and the machine that goes "BING!" and everything. I was working myself into a fine state of panic when...class ended.

The instructor was good enough to offer to show us the c-section clip from the film we've been watching all along, after class for those who are interested. And guess who was not interested? ME! And guess who was very interested? The Husband! So guess which one took one for the team? That's right. ME! So we stayed, in spite of my mortal terror, and watched the film, which wasn't nearly as graphic and gruesome as the c-section I watched later on that night on the Discovery channel--OF MY OWN FREE WILL--because I am neurotic and love to freak the hell out of myself, apparently.

In other baby-related news, that ticker is seriously freaking me out. I might have to take it down...I don't know that my nerves can tolerate the daily, ticking, time-bomb that my body has become.