Staff Appreciation Lunch

Ok. So, after carefully deliberating the votes...and also just counting the damn things up it seems that Story #1--The Staff Appreciation Lunch wins! Although, you'll all probably hear about Hogan and the Poop conversation which I overheard from the copy machine at a later date.

So, yesterday was The Staff Appreciation Lunch. But the story actually starts the day before.

Tuesday...was, well, it was a Tuesday--it was not a Monday, it was, in fact, bringing me one day closer to Friday and thus NOT being at the workplace. So, all in all Tuesday is my friend.

(please excuse me if this story takes a long time to tell--I am currently self-medicating with Oreos.)

So, I had asked one of my buddies here at work if I needed to bring anything for The Staff Appreciation Lunch and she said, "No. The Professional Types are supposed to provide the food--that's why we only have a Salad Bar." And I thought, "huh. Salad Bar. This could go very good or VERY VERY bad." So I said, "I think maybe I'll bring my own lunch just in case." And my buddy said, "Yes. That is a VERY good idea."

(mmmmm. Oreos.)

So I go about my business. Now, in order to fully appreciate the brunt force of The Staff Appreciation Lunch, you should know that as a SECRETARY, I have occasionally faced Over-Exposure with certain Professional Types. As in, you see too much of them and they become TOXIC to you, psychologically speaking. Right now my supervisor is dealing with an acute case of Over-Exposure to SS. But this week has been my acute case of Over-Exposure to OA.

Now, you should know that OA is ALL kinds of annoying. Sexist, biggot, old school Frat boy with a heaping side of INEPT. He annoys me more than my current level of sarcasm can convey. Upon meeting a new coworker--who was a lovely African-American woman--he found out where she was from and exclaimed, "Oh! My family probably owned your family!" I wish, oh how I wish, I was making this up. But, I trust my sources impeccably.

So, yesterday he brings me this notebook--8.5"x5.5" and asks me if we stock the dividers for it. And I said, "No, I don't think so." And he said, "Well, you order the supplies don't you? Order me some." And I calmly explained that I do not, in fact, order the supplies, I do not even stock the supplies, I have a key to the supply cupboard and that is all. And of course he asks, "Well, who orders them?" And I said, "Miss CB orders them...just like she always has." But instead of walking down the hallway and politely asking CB to order him some dividers for his 20 YEAR OLD NOTEBOOK, he says, "Well. Can't you just go on the website and find them? They told me at the store to just go on the website, but I don't know nothing about the website!" At which point I begin thinking, "Well you hit the nail on the head with that one, didn't you?" But I bite my tongue (I swear by the time I get to maternity leave I will have no tongue left)! I find the stupid dividers, I email CB to ask her to please order this ridiculous $1.49 item for this RIDICULOUS person and wash my hands of the affair. I thought I was done with OA for the day.

Alas, I was wrong.

(and I'm out of Oreoes! Woe! Woe to me! Someone bring me some milk! Please?)

One of my responsibilities is the mail. I hate the mail. It's mind-numbing and pointless. But I do it because they ask me to. Anyway, I was sorting the mail and OA was in talking with The New Guy and they're yucking it up like two good ol' boys and I'm rolling my eyes to the point where they're about to roll back permanently and OA says to KC, "Hey! Is anyone bringin' ice tomorrah?" To which KC replies, "No, would you like to?" And he says, "Yeah, sign me up for ice." And KC says, "How about you also bring paper plates and forks and napkins and such?" And he says, "No no noooo that's too much--I'll just bring ICE." And there I stand. Thinking to myself, "Isn't The Staff Appreciation Lunch, put on by the professional types in order to show US--the staff--how much they APPRECIATE all the crap we do for them? I'm so glad that OA is only appreciative enough to bring ICE. Maybe I should only start doing enough work to be DESERVING of ICE--which is FROZEN WATER." But I was good. I didn't say anything--I rolled my eyes A LOT and walked away all huffy and annoyed.

Then Wednesday came. Ah, Wednesday. Hump-day. The work week midpoint, the day now known as Staff Appreciation Lunch Day. Now. When an event is called "Staff Appreciation Lunch" wouldn't you naturally assume that it's only for the STAFF? I did.

HA! FAT lot I know! The whole Staff Appreciation Lunch thing only means that we'll get a weird assortment of food and we'll get to go first! So, I get in line...trying really hard not to grimace but to be somewhat cheerful--on the inside I am DYING. On the table is the big bowl of lettuce and plates and forks and napkins and there were mushrooms and sprouts and carrots and cheese and then there were The Inexplicables. Some strange salad with pasta, baby corn and some green GOOP on the top. Not like a dressing--a GLOB of GOOP. Some salad that looked like lettuce with RED dumped over the top of it. I have no idea what the RED was, it was just RED. There were 5 bottles of salad dressing, but 2 Italians, a ranch and a Catalina maybe?--whatever that is. There were mandarin oranges and dried cranberries and a container of cottage cheese. There was KFC from DL and about 3 kinds of chicken wings. And a loaf of bought white bread. There was a separate table for drinks and ICE and the desserts.

I manage to politely make a plate of salad and I go to get a drink and I look at KC and say, "Boy I sure am glad there's ICE." At which, we both roll our eyes and laugh heartily at OA who is also standing right there and has NO CLUE that we are mocking his idiocy.

So everyone eats. But the problem with eating is that it's never just as simple as putting food in your mouth. Eating is a ritual and eating with other people is symbolic of communion. Why do you think who you sat with in the lunchroom was as important as it was? We're instinctual beings when it comes to food and we recognize the intimacy of eating together...it's personal. Very personal. So when there are big parties like this and the Staff and the Professional Types sit down to sup together, it's always a little...shall we say...tense. The professional types align themselves along the walls--the Staff boldly claim the tables, and whether it's consciously done or not, they tend to block those tables off from the professional types. Oh, there are the completely clueless ones who cross the boundaries--but they are very few and far between. And while we eat, we're looking around the room, careful of what we say and how loudly we say it while the professional types are there...we wouldn't want to knowingly offend them--we prefer mockery behind the individuals back...that way you get to vent without getting into trouble.

(Kind of like this BLOG!!)

Anyway, so we eat and the awards are handed out and they went to people who very much deserve them so I am happy. I manage to linger with several of my other buddies until the room clears and we can speak freely...and we do. And it's the most enjoyable part of the day. There's Lemonade Pie and pound cake and the coke flows freely over all the ICE and we talk and laugh and that's ultimately the treat that is supposed to be Staff Appreciation Lunch. Right?

I returned to my desk. I have been working on typing up and reorganizing the chaos that was our family cookbook and I had the last 2-3 recipes to type up on my desk and I was working on them when OA comes by. He looks at what I'm doing and says, "Boy there sure must be some good recipes from today!" And I look at him like the Pants-on-Head Lunatic that he is and he clarifies, "The recipes from the party!" and I continue to look at him like the Pants-on-Head Lunatic that he is because I'm thinking, "Recipes for what? A bowl of lettuce? Store bought pre-sliced mushrooms? Pre-grated store bought cheese? Bottled salad dressing? KFC?!?" And he rolls his eyes at me like he cannot believe how UNGRATEFUL I am and walks away.

The moral of this story is: If you are ungrateful to the people who annoy you, they will leave you alone. Bonus! And also, I ate at a POTLUCK and I am still ALIVE.

KC promised me the recipe for the Lemonade Pie--which it was that GOOD!