Phlebotomy Drama

on 31 March 2008

Wow. So I totally missed that 100 days mark with the Boy.


Apparently, am a horrible thoughtless mother already. But wait! I have an excuse! Life is beating the tar out of me lately--does that count?

Friday was a BIG recruitment day that I was the administrative support for--I sort of suspected that it was going to be BIG deal, but then...well, I had been sick for so long that I was just sort of in survival mode and then when it actually came round I panicked and it sort of kicked me to the curb.

I also found out that I spectacularly failed my glucose test from my last doctors appointment.

(Please excuse the long, rambling, parenthetical aside here--BUT--you should know that the Husband and I are ticking health bombs. He has diabetes on both sides of his family and heart disease and cancer in the mix too. I have high blood pressure, diabetes and cancer in my family as well so we both cheerfully admit that genetically we're screwed and try to do the best we can with what we have. My dear sister had gestational diabetes will all 4 of her kids so it's something I take rather seriously.)

So today I got to go in to the phlebotomist's lab for the lovely 3 hour glucose-fasting test. Here's what you do: no food after midnight (I totally forgot to eat a snack before bed so I hadn't had anything to eat since dinner), you go in, they take your blood, they give you a glucose solution to drink in 5 minutes and then they take your blood again at 1 hour, 2 hours and 3 hours after the solution. Yes! That 4 giant needles piercing my delicate skin, thank you for asking! That's also NO food for the pregnant girl for 12+ hours! After having experienced it, let me just tell you, that's just plain mean.

To say nothing of the fact that I've worried about the potential outcome of this test all weekend addition to all the other ways in which I'm already screwing up my child without really knowing it. Poor kid. He deserves better parents.

I should say that when they made the appointment they were very clear about what would happen, that it would take 3-4 hours and that I was not allowed any food before hand etc etc etc. I'm telling you this so that you're able to fully appreciate the inanity of the story I am about to relate.

So I'm sitting reading my way through yet another Potok novel, and in storms this very large, very blond woman in a very pink shirt. Talking about how she needs to get that glucose thing going because she doesn't have all day and she's not one of those women who sits around watching Jerry Springer all day long and can they MOVE any FASTER?!? Believe me when I tell you she was speaking in all CAPS all the TIME!

So the nurse told her that it was going to take 3-4 hours and she should just make herself comfortable and this very pink woman looked at her and said, "WHAT?!? NO ONE TOLD ME IT WAS GOING TO TAKE 4 HOURS I CAN'T SIT HER FOR 4 HOURS ARE YOU CRAZY?!?" She pitched this huge stink about the test taking that long and how could they expect that of her she has 3 other kids at home and she home schools and she has to send out invitations for her baby shower and and AND!

(nevermind the sarcastic redhead sitting at the other end of the waiting room rolling her eyes at the thought of a mother of 3 having a baby shower--shouldn't she have everything she needs already?)

So the big pink woman decided to stay and do as much of the test as she could before she had to leave, and then she proceeded to unpack this enormous bag of laptop, invitations, scissors, 4-d ultrasound pictures of the poor child in utero (they're naming her Marley--after Bob Marley! She admitted this! In public!!) And then she proceeded to tell the entire waiting room her entire life story about how she got pregnant in college and married the father even though she knew that he wasn't the man for her and then she had twins and got a divorce and then got remarried and had another child and aren't they just the cutest blended family EVER?! and how she's been sicker with this pregnancy than with any other and how she's debating having a tummy tuck with the delivery of this baby because her skin is all stretched out from the twins (nevermind that she also admitted that she's 80 pounds heavier now than with her last pregnancy)!

Poor Potok--I'm pretty sure when he wrote, My Name is Asher Lev he didn't intend it to be read in this sort of environment.

There was another huffy woman full of angst and attitude and ANGRY that the Phlebotomist was not FASTER!! Because the phlebotomist also controls how fast your blood flows out of the needled and into the vial.

The really annoying part was that after a couple of hours of the very large pink woman the nurse came out and informed her that her initial test results were so great that she could skip the last 2 blood draws and go home. So she packed up all of her stuff and left. They REWARDED her for being a pain in the arse.

And that's my tale of woe from Monday morning. I'll keep you abreast of further glucose developments.


the MuLLinS said...

AHHHHHH!! I hate those tests!! I talk like I've had 17 or something, but one's enough, thank you very much. I thought I asked God not to make anyone else go through this, I'm sorry. I also had to starve the boy and then feed him straight sugar and draw blood and it made him VERY upset. I got SO sick after the first 2 tests WHILE the rude nurse sat there and said "well if you throw up, you're just going to have to do it all over again". I was a little more than furious. I ran, literally, crying to my OB's office (just down the hall, we're not talking across town people) and was like "DON'T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN!!!" I swear, I've never been so hysterical my whole life, but that's how horrible an experience it was. And I think I had high glucose, Thatcher was and is a big boy, but whatever. Those tests are just torture. There. I'm done.

Sarah said...

Too funny. Well, not really but I can relate. I've had it twice and I'm hoping to avoid it with good initial results this time. HOPING! You've been on my mind and I feel bad for not commenting on your last couple of posts but every time I sit down at the computer someone HAS to be in my lap. Keep me posted when you hear.