Sister of my Heart

I have two sisters. They are both older than I am. Decidedly older than I am. My eldest sister is 11 years older and my middle sister is 8 years older. I suppose the age difference is part of why we weren't particularly close growing up. As a child I idolized my eldest sister. We resemble one another and now that we're both adults we resemble one another in personality as well as appearance. My middle sister and I have never been close. I suppose that the mature thing to say is that we are both to blame, as a child I antagonized her, I know that I did; but as a child and as an adult she has been cruel to me. I am trying to forgive her and let it go, but it's a lot harder to undo programming than it is to program from the beginning. My middle sister frightens me. I know that that's probably unkind, but it's honest. I feel uneasy around her. I can not fully trust her. And the result is that I don't trust her. I don't call her. I don't make much effort at all one way or the other. Live and let live. The sad thing is that we live as virtual strangers.



For a long time I had a separate life from that of my sisters. They were so much older and had finished college, gotten married, started their families before I got really going in school. I felt left behind much of the time. And then this wonderful thing happened. I found Whimsy. Whimsy and I found each other at a time where what we needed was the safety of sisters. And so that's what we became for each other. I have long loved her as a sister. She has always accepted me as I am while making very few demands. She taught me the true meaning of forgiveness. And from her, I learned the power of letting go. We have drifted out and returned like the tide and things change around us but the love I have for this dear girl does not change.



It seems strange to me that as an adult I seek out the safety of my sister again. My eldest sister that is. She and I have come to a place at the same moment and here we've been able to see each other as we really are--flaws and all. We've been able to let go of who and what we have been in order to be who we are in this moment, in this place. Potok says that the Talmud teaches us that everyone must choose a teacher and then choose a friend. I am blessed by both. She is my teacher and she is my friend. I trust her. I love her. And it is not so simple as our blood, our DNA, it is who she is as much as it is who she is to me.



Once upon a time I hated my sisters. I hated that they were prettier and smarter than I was. I hated that every where I went people knew them and were expecting me to live up to their accomplishments. I hated myself for not being more like them. And then I grew up. And I learned that I am who I am outside of my sisters. And they are who they are. And it's not perfect, but it's still good.