Change is in the air...

Last year in September it was still in the mid-90s outside. Today we're knocking on 80's door and the nights have cooled off dramatically. The leaves will start turning in another week or so, their death throes are the most beautiful, and the days are almost unbearably lovely. Change is coming. Fall is coming. Apples and pumpkins and sweaters and beautiful trees and crisp mornings are coming.

I was never one of those women with a burning desire to be a mother. I've never sought out other people's children, I've never voluntarily worked with them--well, children I'm not related to, my nieces and nephews are exceptions as always. I adore them. But I've never wanted to be responsible for them.

I can't remember when I recognized how much work it takes to have children, to raise them, to teach, and to take care of them. That's just how long it's been since I've known that. I love my cats, I can feed them and cuddle them, and they clean their own bums and when I go on vacation I can leave them in a kennel. I know that children are non-refundable, that it's the hardest job on the planet and the single most thankless, unglamourous and undesirable job known to womankind.

Will someone please explain to me then, why all of a sudden I'm not so revolted by the idea of parenthood?!

I still see how much work it is. I still know how thankless and unglamorous and non-refundable it is. And yet. There is a small part of me that wants a child. A little bit of the Husband and a little bit of the Wife and our whole wide world turned upside down. And yet. I'm still scared to death. Heebie-jeebies does not quite capture my level of terror at the prospect of parenthood.

Change is in the air. I'm fairly certain that I won't get to choose what changes. Life changes to refine us, to force us out of comfort and into growth. Maybe it's just the fall. Maybe it's the cooler weather and the more humane humidity. Maybe it's a Wednesday funk that I'm feeling and nothing is going to change at all. Maybe the change is all in me. Maybe it's in my eyes, the way I look at the world. I don't know. But this time around, I'm not so scared. Things will change. I will change. The Husband will change. And in the end, everything will be okay.