Looking for my Mojo

Excuse me, has anyone out there seen my mojo?  Because I really need it back.


It's been a long summer, and it's barely the end of July.  And I'm not sure if it's the heat, or the busy-ness, or just general malaise, but I seem to have lost my Mojo.  That ineffable quality that makes me a comparatively decent wife-mother-sister-daughter-friend-woman.  I find myself hot and tired and grouchy.  To say nothing of dull witted and unimaginative.

The people I live with are reasonably patient, but I need to work up a plan for Burnstopia Academy next year, and I've got Christmas presents I need to make, and Heaven knows my kids and I have all been watching too much television. 

It's why updating here has been sparse.  I have stories to tell, I always have stories to tell, but stories are only as good as the beautiful clothes you dress them in, and it's my mojo that comes up with the clothes for the stories.  With no mojo, there's no writing...something has to be done.


So what's a girl to do?  Where am I to find my missing mojo?  Any suggestions out there?

Chaos Theory

Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't handle chaos.  Uncertainty, chaos, unpredictability, it all brings out my...shall we say...ungraceful side.  And since Chris has forbidden me from obsessing over all of the uncertainties in our life right now (we have 5 weeks left on our lease and still no where else to live), I have been choosing to obsess over Other Things.  Inconsequential Things.  Pretty Things, even, sometimes.

So, knitting it is!

I started this amazing, intricately cabled sweater for Chris for Christmas this year.  It really is a gorgeous pattern.  So I bought the yarn I needed, and cast on for a sleeve, figuring that if I made a mistake, a sleeve would be less painful to rip back, than a body with 300 stitches on it.  After knitting for 6 inches it became evident that the sweater MIGHT fit the Boy, but certainly would not fit my husband.  So I checked my gauge, realized (holy CRAP) that I was getting 3 TIMES the number of stitches to the inch as the pattern called for (uptight, much?) and ripped the whole thing back.  At that point, I shelved the pattern.  I would still love to knit it up for Chris, but it will call for either a) different (thicker) yarn, or b) massively reworking the pattern so that I can knit a sweater that Chris can wear or c) both of the above.

So instead, I'm working on more socks for my boy.  He has informed me that he doesn't like the socks that I bought for him at the store.  He only likes the ones I make.  Which is just about the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a while, but yeah...that's a lot of work to knit up 6 pairs of wooly socks for his feet.  His feet which are the Lords of Perpetual Growth.  But I continue to work at it.  I started a yellow pair with a brown chevron strip around the ankle.  I'm calling them the Charlie Brown socks, and they are turning out super cute.  I'll post some pictures when I finish them.

And just as proof that, while my life contains more chaos than is comfortable for me, I have not yet surrendered my sense of humor, I offer you this...


Back last Summer while I was scanning 4, 820 pictures to use in the slideshow for my parent's 50th wedding anniversary, I came across this series of pictures.  It features my brother and I, and since there aren't many pictures of us lying around, it caught my attention.  (Talk about chaos, that would be having twins...two babies terrorizing around the house at the same time?  Yes.  Apparently, my aversion to chaos is repercussion for the chaos I rained down on my parents.) 

Anyway...here's the first 3 pictures:

I'm not kidding.  3 pictures, all of them basically the same.  One of us looking off, not paying attention, one of us not smiling.  Actually, that could probably describe every single picture of my brother and I until we were probably 14.  Anyway, I offer the next photograph as evidence that my inner smarta** is strong, deep, and I was BORN this way...

And voila.  I'm pretty sure my Dad was trying (repeatedly) to get our attention AND to get us to smile, you know, simultaneously.  And after the 4th attempt, I'm reasonably certain that I had had enough.  So that's what you get.

(Incidentally, there are enough pictures of me like this that my Mom calls it my "teeth are screaming at you" face.  AWESOME.)

An Open Love Letter to my Body

Dear Body,

Well, it's been a while.

I know that I haven't always treated you with the respect that you deserve.  As I child I let you run free, we climbed trees and rode our bike as fast as your skinny little legs would let us.  We rolled around in the snow in Winter, and then chased lightening bugs in Summer.  But then, there were those horrible teen-aged years.

You were pretty crappy to me, but I was pretty awful to you too.  We shall not speak of how you sprung that period on me, nor about how I "blossomed" seemingly overnight, prompting the undesired attention of boys whom I still believed to be the bearers of "cooties."  But I suppose I should apologize for those years that I starved you and tortured you.  You didn't deserve that.  And even after all of that, you never let me down.

And then there were our twenties.  They were good times, weren't they?  But I fear I took you for granted.  All of those all-nighters, all of the toxic junk-food, oceans of Diet Coke and mountains of sugar.  I'm sorry.  That wasn't nice.  I knew better and I still treated you like you were second rate.

And then there was that whole mess when I was pregnant with the Boy.  Was it really necessary to balloon up like a sausage?  Only my uterus was pregnant, so why, oh WHY was I so expansive all the way around?  I know, I know...it might have had something to do with all of those nachos and the half gallons of chocolate chip ice cream.  But I tried after he came, I really did!  We went for walks, I went back to veggies and tofu.  And things were ok for a while, but oh, why were you so hard on both of us with the breastfeeding?

I admit it, ok?  I didn't know what I was doing!  I didn't eat or drink properly and I certainly didn't nurse on demand, but I was a rookie!  You can't have expected me to know what I was doing right out of the gate.  Couldn't you have been a little easier on me?  I was sort of shell-shocked.

Maybe we both made mistakes.

And then, oh man, I guess maybe we're even for the teen-aged years because you really let me have it in those two years we were trying for the Girl.  That was horrible.  Let's never go back there, ok?

But now?  Oh body, how can I tell you how grateful I am for you?  How can I tell you how you have completely won my heart? 

Look at those babies.  YOU did that, body of mine.  You grew them, and once they were here, you fed them.  And you're STILL feeding the Girl.  Look at those voluptuous thighs!  Look at those chubby cheeks!  Look at that little belly!  Oh my body, I couldn't love you more if I tried.

Thank you.  Thank you for working so hard to grow them, to shelter and protect them.  Thank you for regulating everything while I was preoccupied with other things.  Thank you for feeding them and providing them with comfort.  Thank you for keeping us all alive.

Let's be honest, for 36 years we've had an antagonistic relationship at best.  You've never looked like other girls, you've never been skinny or athletic or TALL.  You've always persisted in growing resiliently curly hair, in spite of my best efforts to straighten it out.  I've hated you, I've feared you, I've ignored you and brushed you off as just another annoyance.  And when you would have been justified in shoving it all right back at me, you didn't.  You chose the high road.  You made the best babies in creation, and you continue to make Magical Milk for my amazing Girl.

I never would have imagined that it would be breastfeeding of all things, that would make me fall in love with you.  But there it is.  Life is strange sometimes, and after 36 years I'm done.  I promise.  No more starvation, no more torture, no more loathing.  You are mine and I am yours.  I'm going to do my best to take good care of you, and sometimes, I'm going to let you eat junk-food just because it's a nice treat.  And most days we're going to go for a walk because fresh air and exercise are nice, not because we're trying to look like everyone else.

Because you're NOT like everyone else, body.  You are mine.  And you have done amazing things. 

Love,

M

Confusing M

So, Mirish asked what I feel my personal characteristic or trait is that might confusing to my friends.

Let me make you a LIST:

1. I've been accused of being Fickle.  I felt at the time the accusation was made, and I still do, that it's a poor choice of words.  But I AM changeable.  I don't see myself as having a Fixed Personality.  I'm not DONE.  Consequently, I'm always trying new things, and learning new things and studying different things and I allow myself the luxury to Change as it suits me.
2. I've also been accused of Selfishness.  I happen to think this is a Human characteristic and not necessarily unique to me.  I do acknowledge that sometimes I'm more selfish than other times.  When I feel like my family is threatened, when we're hunkered down and struggling, I know that I get more selfish and...focused on my immediate family.  This offends some people, so be it.  I'm doing what I feel like I need to do to take care of my God-given duties.
3. I think Sherry is puzzled how I can be rational and a romantic at the same time.  What can I say?  I'm a puzzle.

Meeting my Mentor

The Boy and I hopped our way to New Mexico.  From Jacksonville to Atlanta, from Atlanta to Phoenix and from Phoenix to Albuquerque.

We were really lucky on all three flights, there was an extra seat next to us so I didn't have to suffer death by Toddler Wallow.  Who am I kidding, he did just great.  He got freaked out a bit when things got loud but for the most part he was just awesome.

But his awesomeness doesn't cancel out my fear of flying.

I mention this fear because by the time we got to Phoenix I was exhausted and a tangle of nerves.  I kept telling myself that I was almost done.  That the Boy was depending on me, I needed to at least pretend to be calm for him so that he wouldn't be afraid.  (I'd rather not pass down my own fears and anxieties.  I feel confident that he'll develop his own.)

They boarded us early because the Boy is under 5, so we schlepped onto the plane and stowed the backpack and settled in.

I was sitting in the middle seat and the Boy was standing/playing on the floor next to the window.  And so I took the moment to breathe deeply and people watch as the rest of the passengers boarded.

I wasn't paying too close of attention, trying to distract the Boy and myself from the inevitable flight when I looked up and recognized a fellow passenger.

It is a strange thing to recognize people out of context.

10 years ago last month I started at the University of Washington.  I was an in-state transfer student.  And that first semester I declared as a Comparative Literature major (with French as my primary foreign language).  Spring quarter I had my first Comparative Literature class.  It was Love and Marriage in European Fiction.  We started with extracts from the Bible, Aristotle and Milton and then moved on to read Jane Eyre, The Lover (by Marguerite Duras) and Woman Warrior (by Maxine Hong Kingston). 

My professor was a lovely woman, a Princeton graduate from the 70s.  She was a Francophile with a long publication record for feminist readings.  In the course of the next three years she became my mentor, counselor and friend at the University.  She wrote my recommendation letter to graduate school.  And when I had my first paper published, my first email was to her.

I had lost touch with her through the years, it wasn't deliberate neglect, I knew that she was busy and I had grown busy with husband and child.  (And I will admit that I was hesitant to admit that after a long and expensive education, I was choosing the traditional path of wife and mother.  I knew that she was a feminist, I expected her disapproval.)

You can't imagine how surprised I was to see her walking on to that flight to Albuquerque.

As I watched her walk on, searching for her seat, stopping at my row, smiling down into my face, I forgot my fear entirely.  I was all Super Fan.  For in spite of any differences we might have, I genuinely admire this woman.

I smiled hugely and said, "You're Dr. Dornbush, aren't you?"

She smiled and said, "Yes.  Are you one of my students?"

I chuckled and said, "Once upon a time, yes, I was."

I reintroduced myself, offering her my maiden name and the years that I was her student.  She smiled hugely and insisted that she remembered me!

(I shall admit, I was a bit flummoxed, Dr. Dornbush remembered ME!  It was awesome.)

We chatted through the whole flight.  Talking about the classes she had taught, she told me how much she enjoyed having me in class and how she wished she could have had more students like me (I was a work-a-holic and an overachiever), how hard it was being a comparatist now-a-days because in all comparative literature departments the film students were taking over.  We talked about her lay-off (she had never gotten tenure, instead she had signed 1-5 year contracts to teach and it left her time to pursue her own interests).  We talked about Chris and the Boy and my choice to stay home with him.

And as the plane landed and we disembarked, she turned to me and said, "The best part is that you have the choice.  If you want to stay home, that's great.  If women want to work, that's great too.  It's great that now we have a choice."

I talk a lot about my choice to stay home.  I feel guilty, for having this extensive education, for the academic gifts that I've been given, staying home feels like selfishness, it feels like I've quit, like I'm disappointing the sisterhood of women who have worked so hard to be taken seriously.  And so I have kept that door open in my mind.  The PhD.  The academic career that I had planned for so long.  I have been hesitant to shut the door and walk away.  After all, what happens if something happens to Chris?  What happens if I HAVE to go back, if I HAVE to work?  I need that door open as my insurance policy against grief.

But as I talked with Dr. Dornbush, and as I thought things through that week in New Mexico, I felt that door quietly closing.  She set me free from that insurance policy.  Her and Whimsy and Samwise, they helped me to realize that nothing is a waste.  They helped me to see that I have made my choice.  And that's what Dr. Dornbush and so many other women were fighting for.  I'm always going to worry.  It's a part of who I am, as a woman and as a mother.  I'm going to lay awake at night and stew about what I would do IF something bad were to happen.  But it's time to close the door and walk away.

It's time to have a little faith.

2009 Meme

Here are my answers to Linda's traditional New Year meme. Enjoy, y'all.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Leave the Boy and go to New York with Chris just the two of us.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
For the most part, and yes, I have made more for 2010.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES!  My friends Emily, Heather and Allyson.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.


5. What countries did you visit?
My own.  Chris and I went to New York--he'd never been there before so it was fun to see the city through his eyes.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A house.


7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 13th--the first day of Chris' residency, and subsequently July 13th 2010 will be the last day of Chris' residency.  But who's counting?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being a better wife than I thought I could be.



9. What was your biggest failure?

Not stepping up to support Chris from the beginning.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Just ordinary stuff, colds, viruses, bugs...nothing serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My car.  Hands down, Arabella rocks.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Chris's!  He had capstone, fellowship applications, job applications, interviews, more rejection than any one person should have to face all at once, then a big move and a stressful job and for the most part he's been wonderful.  Tense and quiet at times, but that's much better than yelling or snapping, and given what he's currently doing, he's awesome.

The Boy's.  We've moved and traveled and he's teethed and had growth spurts and he's handled all of it like a champ.

And my Dad's!  Whenever anyone calls, he's the first to volunteer to help.  My sister was in a pretty serious car accident out in Nebraska (coming back from taking her oldest off to college) and my Dad drove out to bring her and her 3 younger kids home.  My brother was stranded in Florida, he drove up to North Carolina in a rental car and my Dad drove him the rest of the way back to his home in Maryland.  My Dad supervised the loading and organizing of our truck when we moved south and he helped us unload when we got down here.  He's awesome!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

All of those over-paid CEOs who needed the government to bail out their corporations but then took big bonuses.  That was charming.

14. Where did most of your money go?
A move and a new car.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Chris graduating, New York, New York.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Regina Spektor's On the Radio

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:


a) happier or sadder? Both...in different ways and for different reasons...probably more on the sad side.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner but not by much.
c) richer or poorer?  Both...in different ways.


18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Laughing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With Chris and the Boy.  It was cozy and quiet and then we had dinner with some friends.  Very low-key.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Yep.  With Chris...stronger and deeper than ever.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Well, I really only watch 2--Community and V.  I'll go with Community.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope.

24. What was the best book you read?

I did way too much re-reading this past year, but the best book I read for the first time was the biography of Elizabeth Gaskell A Habit of Stories by Jenny Uglow.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Muse

26. What did you want and get?

A Car.

27. What did you want and not get?

The Boston Fellowship.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

HAHAHAHAH!  Like I watch films in the theater!  That's hilarious!  My friend Mona gave us Harry Potter 6 on DVD, it was pretty good but they messed up the ending.  Little Dorrit was very good.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Surprise, surprise, I'm not telling you how old I was.  Chris was in Boston interviewing for a fellowship that he didn't get.  I spent my birthday at my sister's house--she made me tortellini and my mom made me a cake.  And I'm sure Chris and I got take-out once he came home.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A job in North Carolina.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Casual and functional.  Jeans, lots of cotton, sandals.

32. What kept you sane?
Honestly?  Music.  I don't turn the television on during the day and when the Boy is squirrelly, or otherwise grouchy, music calms him down and brings back my happy boy.


33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Matthew MacFaddyen

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Health care.  In this household, could there be another answer?

35. Who did you miss?

Debbi VanD!  She's my fitness buddy, friend, mentor, neighbor, and all around Awesome Girl.  I miss having someone to work out with, I miss having her to bounce ideas off of (she's so sensible!), I miss having her to vent to, I miss getting to laugh with her, I miss our twice or thrice weekly adventures.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Celeste and Brett.  They're my two friends down here and they're amazing women.  I'm so lucky that I get to find those kind of women where ever I seem to go.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

The past is the past.  You can't change it, you can't help it, all you can do is let it go and try to do better with today.

But also:

Ultimately, it doesn't matter where you live.  What matters is what you do with your time.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.

--Regina Spektor

Happy New Year!

Feelin' the LOVE

6 years ago last August, my car laden with a trailer, my cat and all of my worldly possessions and I trudged the long, slow, weary trudge down I-85 to 316 and the long stop and go pathway into Athens, Georgia.  I had never been there before, I was armed only with a map and keen sense of the foolishness of my plans.  I stopped for gas outside of Atlanta and finally, after pacing around my car, I made the phone call.  I was calling Some Guy named Layne from my church.  Word was, he would be able to rustle up some help unloading my meager possessions.

(I exaggerate slightly when I say meager.  While I had very little in the way of furniture, I had approximately 15 boxes of books weighing approximately 300 pounds each.  It was August in Georgia and their assistance should not be undervalued.)

I told Some Guy named Layne that I would be arriving in about an hour, maybe an hour and half and if he could bring a bit of help, I would be really grateful.  He said he'd see what he could do and would meet me at my, as yet unseen apartment.

2 hours later, keys in hand, I trudged up the stairs in a stairwell smelling alarmingly of kim-chee.  I entered a plain, non-descript apartment.  It was steamy and hot as the electiricity had not been turned on and since it was now after 5, it couldn't be turned on until Monday morning.  Outside I met two Angels dressed in mortals clothing.  They introduced themselves as Sarah and Layne. 

They proceeded to schlep my whole life into that apartment.  And when the trailer and the car were empty, I calmly burst into tears. 

Sarah immediately put her arms around me and said, "You're not staying here tonight, you're coming home with me!"  And that's just what she did.  We packed up my cat and some clothes and my laundry and we went to her house.  I called Whimsy, I was having a bit of a panic attack, I did some laundry, Sarah made me dinner and Layne gave me a blessing.  I cried a lot.

They gave me rest and filled me up with enough courage to face my apartment the next day.  I set to putting things in order.  Sarah drove me around town to get my bearings, she walked me around campus and showed me the buildings she knew I would need.  We played with her cat, Jinx.  She took me to church and introduced me to people.  At some point that weekend she met up with Chris to tell him she had met his future wife.

Over the course of the next weeks, I would meet the people who would get me through graduate school.  Ginny and Thad, Nathan, Becca and Daniel, Swan and Jeremy, Krista and Evan, our institute director Brother Bradley, the senior missionaries the Barlows, and Chris, always Chris.  We would meet, start dating, fall in love and well...you know the rest.  It took only a few weeks to realize that my academic program wouldn't do much for me intellectually or professionally, but these people, oh these people, I cannot tell you what they have done for me personally and privately.

We were gathered around the Christmas tree in the Bradley's living room, me, Ginny and Thad (married 6 years now with 2 kids), Sarah Ricker (who would come into our circle later, also married to the lovely Clint), Sarah and Layne (they got engaged that first Fall and married the next Valentine's day) and our ever lovely institute director President Bradley.  He who knew us all when we were young, selfish, single and for the most part, care free.  He had counseled us through the perils of dating, engagement and newly-wedded, not so bliss.  Always with a smile, a sense of humor and much needed wisdom.  And now I find he has a wonderfully short-termed memory--for he can only remember us when we were funny or smart, when asked if he remembers how obnoxious we were he shakes his head and says, "Nooooo, you were GREAT!"

I was looking around that room last night, so many faces of people that I love (the first among them was painfully absent), and I marveled again at the roles that people play in our lives, the voids they fill, the care they take of our souls.  I read this morning that "Love is what you've been through with somebody."**  I have been forcibly reminded of that during the past few days.  These faces, they were the faces that were there when our little family first started with me and Chris and awkward conversation.  They were the faces there when we were engaged, when we were stressed by classes, professors and finals.  These were the women who showed me that being a mother isn't something to be feared, it's scary, but also possible. 

I love these people.  I never really loved Athens.  When we left, I was never homesick for it.  But oh how I pined for these people.  They never failed to make me laugh, cry, think or try to live better.  They took care of me when I could not take care of myself.  They brought the most momentous man into my world.  Which in turn brought the second most momentous man into my life.  There aren't appropriate words in any language that I know, that can say how I love these people. 

**James Thurber

The Strongest Memory

Remember that one episode of West Wing, when Toby's dad comes back? It flashes back to Brooklyn in the 50s and Toby's birth and how his dad came to be what he was. It was a lovely episode and it ended with Christmas carols and Toby's dad shaking his head and saying, "Tobias, I am having the strongest memory."

That's me lately, I am having the strongest memory.

But it's not a memory of anything really consequential, just a memory that has come back with such clear focus that I find myself day-dreaming it whilst playing with my Boy. Shall I share it with you?

Walk with me back to the fall of 2001. I was not as I am now. I was not yet the M that you all know, I was as yet, only partially formed. I was just returned from Europe, disappointed and disoriented. I had taken a room with our brave Samwise and her friend and roommate Juliet, whom I only ever called JULIET-TA (pronounced like the fantastically over-the-top nurse in Baz Lurhman's Romeo and Juliet).

I was taking a variety of classes, I'm sure French was in there somewhere, I'm sure I had a history class, though, I can't remember for the life of me which one. And nestled in among these was the THORN in my proverbial side, my 19th century literature class du jour, The Dark Side of Victorian Literature. Though I'm pretty sure the darkest thing about this class was the instructor. He was awful. But we'll get there.

(Raise your hand if this happens to you, you think about one memory and then the threads of that memory pull on the threads of other memories until you're lost in this knot of time and space and you can't pull just one memory out, you have to pull them all out...in other words, forgive me as a ramble and here, have another madeleine...)

So I was living with Samwise and riding the bus to and fro from UW to little apartment and back again. And while riding the bus I would read because I got almost NO reading done at home--Samwise and Julietta were FAR more interesting than what I was reading.

I remember among other things we were reading Dickens' Great Expectations for the horrid 19th century class, because I was reading on the bus one day, when a woman I didn't recognize sat down in the seat next to me. This was a busy route so that wasn't unusual, what was unusual was that this woman spoke to me. (And spoke coherently, I have ridden buses that could claim Mobile Mental Institution on their tax forms, but that is another story.)

She asked how I was enjoying Dickens and I answered truthfully, "Well, I think I would enjoy it more if it weren't for my professor." Which made her smile and look quizzically at me (I have always wanted to use the adverb quizzically in a sentence and now I have!), and ask, "Why?" To which I answered that I thought my professor was fully of hooey, he kept going on and on about homosexual undercurrents and queer theory and masturbatory references in DICKENS! (I still think he's full of crap and I am very nearly his educational equal so I'm fully allowed to think he's full of crap...but that is beside the point.) This lovely woman smiled and asked what my professor had said specifically and so I told her, getting more and more agitated as I remembered my professors abuses against an author I had long admired from a distance and was pining to really sink my teeth in to and she nodded and said, "Yes, I've heard these claims before and while they are correct in assuming that these details are significant their interpretations are sadly incorrect." She went on, for the duration of my ride, to expound on the thematic significance of Great Expectations. When it was time for her to get off she introduced herself, as the Dean of the English department (and a Dickens scholar) and said that if I had further questions regarding Dickens she would be happy to speak with me at any time.

(Why yes, I was STUNNED. I still smile when I think of that, and then feel slightly disappointed that more higher education isn't like that. I was truly blessed to have had that conversation with that wonderful woman, she solidified in me, my own desire to be more like her. To use literature to nurture people and foster their own ideas and interpretations, rather than brow-beating them with my own.)

After that, I remember applying myself in that class, I read and read and read and read some more. I worked myself into a lather, falling asleep more than once in the library...I wrote an air-tight final paper on the how and why Joseph Conrad is not a racist. And I may have led a slight mutiny in class...towards the end of the semester...what? he had it coming...

Hey, Samwise! Remember how Wendel and Julietta would come home from work and Juliet would cook dinner and Wendel would sit looking hungry and forlorn at the table? And how I would sneak him tootsie rolls if he would tell me gruesome stories from the ER? You probably don't remember, you were pretty busy and you're much more focused than I am. But I did and he would. And then there was the time that Juliet put her favorite pillow in the washing machine and of course it got all unbalanced and she asked Wendel to check it out and he pulls up this sopping wet pillow and bellows, "Well, no wonder! JULIET YOU CAN'T PUT A WHOLE PILLOW IN THE WASHING MACHINE!" (Wendel's bellowing was never really angry or mean, it was FUNNY!) and I laughed until TEARS ran down my face because the image of this doctor, quiet, unassuming Wendel holding a sopping wet pillow was just so ridiculous and funny that I just couldn't help it!

I've written before about how certain books just take me clearly back to a specific time and place (and version of myself) that was then. Dickens does that for me, well, certain Dickens does that, because Bleak House will always take me back to Athens and our drafty little apartment on Prince.

This same semester I read Wilkie Collins' Woman in White, Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness (for the third time), Dickens' Great Expectations, I'm forgetting something, I can feel it...

We had those bizarre neighbors, upstairs and down, one of them was a horse woman...she lived in this poky little apartment because she spent all her money on her HORSE. Which I thought was a bit weird, she was always complaining about how LOUD our bathroom fan was and did we have to run it ALL THE TIME?! No, and we didn't and I thought she needed to get out more. And then the other one who would laugh and then say things like, "But you're all tiny little things! From where I sit it sounds like a heard of ELEPHANTS live upstairs!" And I would have to think about whether she was complimenting us or not.

I think not.

It was a strange time for me. I can't imagine why I've been thinking of it so much lately. I didn't live there long, moved back in with my folks in an attempt to save money and also get more homework actually done. Juliet and Wendel got married. Samwise moved and moved again, poor Samwise, I should have been a better friend.

And maybe I should go back and reread Great Expectations.

2008 Meme

Here are my answers to Linda's traditional New Year meme. Enjoy, y'all.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Um. Have a baby?

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't actually recollect having made resolutions last year, I believe if I did that it was something along the lines of "survive pregnancy." So that's a big fat YES. As for this year, the Husband and I are both making resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

HAHAHAHAHA! Yes. Supreme and Creamy Whimsy, Sarah B., Sarah J., Kristin, Karen, and a bunch of other girls that I know.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Does my sister-in-law's dog count?

5. What countries did you visit?

Just my own. Oh, and the country that my belleh became this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

Peace of mind.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 12th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Growing into motherhood.

9. What was your biggest failure?

How long number 8 took me. (Not counting the EPIC failure of my uterus.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

HAHAHAHAHA! Try here, here and here.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Hmmmm. That's a hard one. I really love our diapers. But the sprayer just makes them that much more fun.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The Husband's hands down. No contest. I wholly acknowledge his right to a victory dance. Also, I'd kind of like to see that.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Sometimes my own. For a variety of reasons. Rampaging hormones, stress, sleeplessness, and the kind of whiplash that only comes from serious change in your life.

14. Where did most of your money go?

HAHAHAHAHA! Dude. We had a kid. Most of our money went to health care.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Hmmm. The Husband (internship, last year of school, Fellowship applications) and the Boy (he's just so darn cute). I got to go see Whimsy and that was really really really exciting.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

A King without a Crown by Matisyahu.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:


a) happier or sadder? Both. In different ways.
b) thinner or fatter? Oh please. FAT-TER
c) richer or poorer? A little of both. In different ways.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spending time with the Husband when it was just the two of us.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Complaining. Whining. Whinging.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

A little bit at home, just the 3 of us. A little bit with my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Again and again and again.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I don't watch TV. Someday I'll give you my rant on why TV is the death of civilization as we know it, but not right now.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don't have time nor energy for hate.

24. What was the best book you read?

Oh my...How can I reasonably be expected to answer this question?!? I read a pallet load of books this year...um...um...um...I really liked the Asher Lev books by Chaim Potok. That's the closest I can narrow it down for you.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hmmmm. The Boy's laughter.

26. What did you want and get?

My family.

27. What did you want and not get?

My way.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Films? There were films of this year? Well. I think the only one I saw in the theaters was WALL-E and it was pretty good. I bought the Jane Austen Season from Masterpiece Theater on DVD and their version of Sense and Sensibility is quite good.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

What did we do on my birthday? I'm sure there was dinner. I just read my archives! There wasn't even DINNER! GAH! We have to do better this year! We have a WEEK! Although. I should probably lower my expectations. The Husband will be in Boston on my birthday--Babe, I'll settle for a JOB for my birthday present this year, mmmkay?

And we just won't mention how old I am, ok? Thankyouverymuch.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Taking more time off of work when I was healthy just to enjoy the pregnancy. Relaxing in my own skin a bit more.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Under the Big Top. Omar the Tent Man. Invest in MuMus people. Thar she BLOWS!

32. What kept you sane?

The Husband, of course. He really should get to put that on his resume. Additional Skills: Keeping Wife Sane. Miraculous.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Fancy? Dominic Mafham. Hello, Mr. Lightwood.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Honestly? Abortion. I'm not sure why it's a political issue--it's more a social issue, but there it is.

35. Who did you miss?

The Usual Suspects: Whimsy and Samwise and Sarah.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Met or became friends with? Met? Mary Grey. She's awesome. Became friends with? Kristin--she's pretty awesome too.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

You don't always get what you think you want. But you will get something to make it all alright. You may not recognize it at first, but it's there. Just waiting for you to figure it out.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Strip away the layers and reveal your soul
Got to give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high then you're bound to stay low
You want God but you can't deflate your ego
If you're already there then there's nowhere to go
If you're cup's already full then its bound to overflow
If you're drowning in the water's and you can't stay afloat
Ask Hashem for mercy and he'll throw you a rope
...
Out of night comes day and out of day comes light
Nullified to the One like sunlight in a ray,
Makin' room for his love and a fire gone blaze. ---Matisyahu



Happy New Year!

One More for the Road

Kristin tagged me. And she said I didn't have to do it, but just to show that the Meme GAMES apply to everyone, Whimsy, I'm a-talkin' to YOU, yo, I'm doing it anyway.

Here we go...7 weird things about me:

Right, I've done this one before!


And the Wife trots off for a bowl of ice cream, laughing maniacally as she goes!

Photo-Tagged

Well, now...Sarah over at Los Bradley's tagged me and since I am drowning in laundry and this required very little thought from me, I thought I would go ahead and post it. So, here you go...

1. What am I doing right now?

Well, the real answer is multitasking, but here's what I came up with...

Um, self-explanatory...I am drowning in laundry.

Also, self-explanatory...I'm blogging.

2. My age.

I have reached that age where I prefer not to say.

3. First name.

Again, this being the internet I prefer not to say.
Those of you who know, know and I feel no need to say again...

4. Middle Name...

No harm in admitting...

Hint...it's not Roberta.

5. Last name.

See answer to question 3.

Hint. It's not Roberts.

6. Maiden Name.

Are you kidding me?

Hint. It's not Pipe or Book. But this is a picture of my dad.

7. Favorite food.

Indian food...NOM NOM NOM.

Of course I've been too scared to attempt to ingest this whilst nursing, my kid spits up constantly anyway no matter what I eat, I'd just as soon not have projectile spit up.


8. Bad habit.

Insomnia. GAH!


9. Past pet.

I've had several cats...let me pick one.

I had a black cat that we had so cleverly named Cat. Man, I loved that cat. She lived 16 years and then left me to go and die. I cried for DAYS over that cat.

10. Grandma's name.

My Father's Mom is:

And my Mother's Mom is:


11. Past love...

Hmmm, this one is a hard one. I'll go with:

12. First Job.


13. Favorite place...

Bed Sweet Bed


14. If I went back to school...

In Comparative Literature, natch.

15. If I could visit any place in the world...

Although, right now I'd settle for anywhere without the ginormous pile of laundry I have to do today.

So, here are the directions:

Directions:
1. Go to Google
2. Do an Image search for your answer to each question
3. Pick a picture off the first page of images that best answers the question.

And I'm a-taggin' Katrina, Whimsy and Samwise. Go!

And I'm Tagged

So, the Marvelous Sarah at Los Bradleys tagged me with this meme and I've been putting it off, but since I have nothing sitting on my desk to be done right now I thought I may as well do a week's worth of updates in one day! Wooo.

So here we go:

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?

10 years ago would have been June of 1998. Hmmm. I had just gotten out of a disastrous relationship so I was very enamored by my freedom. I had just adopted the Leike and was spending a lot of time with her at the vets office. I was in school, at a local community college--which means I was probably working on my last play and getting ready to transfer to the University of Washington. I was fairly certain that I was never getting married because of the aforementioned disastrous relationship--if that was what marriage was like, I wanted no part in it.

2. List 5 things on your "To Do" list:

1. Get ready for the Boy
2. Finish thank you notes
3. Finish reading a couple of books
4. Steam clean the carpets in the apartment
5. Prepare a lesson for Sunday
   

3. What snacks do you enjoy?

• baby carrots
• pears
• roasted almonds
• yogurt
• oreoes...mmmm, oreoes.

4. What would you do if you were suddenly a billionaire?

Oh dear. I hate money. I really do. In truth, I'd probably go to the Husband and tell him to take care of all of this nonsense because I truly couldn't cope with something like that. Knowing the two of us, we'd probably allocate chunks of it to friends and family, we'd probably buy a house. Not a big house, because we don't like big houses--something cozy and old fashioned but with a really cool kitchen and a wrap around porch. I'd pay off my student loans. And we might buy a second car...maybe a hybrid or a Subaru. Beyond that we'd invest a good portion of it so that I could write and we could travel and afford a really good education for our children. We'd probably donate chunks of it to various charities that we both enjoy and would support more now if we could.

I really don't like this question...moving on.

5. List 3 bad habits:

Only 3? Oh, have it your way:

1. I bite the skin around my finger nails when I get really nervous. Sometimes I draw blood.
   
2. I say, "I don't know" A LOT.
3. I over-analyze everything to the point of paralyzing indecision.

6. List 5 places you've lived:

1. Oak Ridge, Tennessee
2. Port Orchard, Washington
3. Seattle, Washington
4. Athens, Georgia
5. Durham, North Carolina

7. List 5 jobs you've had:

1. Sales clerk in a music store (awesome, I got free concert tickets and went to music concerts twice a month for 2 years--my hearing will never be the same.)
2. Temp. (also awesome, it's the perfect job for someone who gets bored easily.)
3. Loan processor for a financial company. I was the youngest person they had ever hired and I only worked there for 9 months before quitting to go back to school. It was an extraordinarily depressing line of work.
4. College Professor. Technically, I was a TA but I had full responsibility over my classes and my students so I say it counts. It was equal parts awesome and performing monkey.
5. Administrative Assistant/over all camp counselor. There are days that are really cool, but then there are many MANY days that are not cool at all.

8. List 5 things that people don't know about you:

Ugh. There are things that people don't know about me and it should remain that way. Fine. Here are some of the lesser things that people don't know about me:

1. I can live any where, but I hate small towns.
   
2. I keep my degrees hung up in my bathroom--just as a reminder.
   
3. I'm totally neurotic about my environment--if it's not clean and organized I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't work, I can't do anything until it's put in order.
4. I know all the lyrics to an embarrassing amount of music. Now that I think about it, I have whole chunks of dialog memorized from various movies and television programs.
   
5. I hate mirrors, they creep me out.

Now, that being said, I'm tagging Molly, Katrina, Whimsy, Emily, and Ginny RAE!

The End of the Year as We Know it

Courtesy of Sundry...it's a blog post of random information! About meeeeeeeeee!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Um. Get myself knocked up? Go to Boston?

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't actually recall any of the resolutions that I made last year so I cannot accurately answer this question...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
SH at work had a beautiful baby girl just 3 weeks ago! She's adorable...both of them!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Uncle Howard. He was a very good man.

5. What countries did you visit?
No new countries. weep.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Oh a second car would be great but I'll settle for all the baby crap we need to acquire in the next 6 months.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 18th. We were in Boston and according to my doc's calculations there was some activity in my wee uterus. Go figure.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Deciding that being a Mother can be a good thing.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not doing a PhD...for now.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
More colds and viruses than I care to comment on. No major injuries...

11. What was the best thing you bought?
No contest. My iPod.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
No contest! The Husband's!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Wow. I could make a list. George W. Bush, Michael Vick, Britney Spears (will someone please stop her?!), Vladimir Putin, basically anyone stupid, cruel, pigheaded or irreparably selfish.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Hmmm, probably to eating out...Boston took a big chunk, and student loans. Sallie Mae hates me...but we're paying off early!!!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
All the college football upsets. Harry Potter 7.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Regina Spektor's Fidelity or Apres moi le deluge.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
I am a) happier but in a bittersweet kind of way and b) fatter...but PREGNANT! and c) richer in more ways than one.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Studying. My languages are leaving me quickly. And writing...I'm out of the critical habit.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Whining about my job. Stressing about things I can't control. Wasting time.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With the Husband and my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Every day.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I don't watch TV. I don't have TV. I have an innate distrust of TV.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope. I don't apply hate to people. Only ideas and situations.

24. What was the best book you read?
The History of Love, The Solace of Leaving Early, Les Miserables (uncut), Tolstoy Lied, and Our Mutual Friend.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Regina Spektor

26. What did you want and get?
A speaker system for my ipod.

27. What did you want and not get?
Gold earrings, garnets, a new car.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmmmm. Stardust. Harry Potter 5. I was unimpressed this year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 31 and we went to dinner with my family. To a steak house! How ironic! They took the only vegetarian to a steak house! That's comedy!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A better job. Or a PhD program.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Classic, comfortable, casual, granola.

32. What kept you sane?
Books and classical music. Always the Husband.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Probably Clive Owen...he's nice. Dominic Mafham...also very nice.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Hmmm...no one. I'm pretty cynical about politicians....I am unimpressed with the lot of them.

35. Who did you miss?
Whimsy. Sarah.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
The Heatons and the Jones.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007?
The the quality of a life isn't measured in the initials behind your name. That important people are not always paid what they're worth. That love is unconditional and forgiving and CRAZY.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I don't know. Is there a song that says something about how "you know how you thought your life was going in one direction? well now it's going in another! Enjoy the ride!"? Yeah. I need that song if any of you have heard it.

7...it's not the magic number

Ok. So Whimsy asked me to do this...and I did try when she first did her version of the 7 Weird or Random things about her...but everything I wrote just seemed so normal and boring and Whimsy is so cool that I couldn't possibly compete so I chickened out. Here I am again...trying to come up with 7 truly Weird or Random things about me...here I go:

1. (GAH! It's already starting! I'm blanking again! Somebody call the Husband! He's the expert on my weirdness not me!) I am a creature of habit. Everyone says that but I really am. I do the exact same things in the exact same order every morning and every night. I get up. I feed the cats. I pour a glass of something fizzy (I like carbonation in the morning, I don't know why). I take my allergy meds (and yes, my Doctor gave me the all clear to take them while knocked up). I clean out the cat box (and yes, my Doctor gave me the all clear to resume this lovely activity while knocked up). I get in the shower. I wake up the Husband. I get dressed including shoes. I do skin care. When the Husband gets in the shower, I do my hair. I put on make up. I pack up stuff to take to work. I eat breakfast (read during breakfast). I put on coat. I walk out the door. Every morning. Exact order. If the Husband is late getting in the shower I have to poke around until he does because I can't do my hair until he's in the shower. In the evening it's the same shtick.

2. I have multiple copies of the same book. Whimsy! This is humiliating! I have my reasons though! Some are different editions. For example. I have 4 copies of all of Jane Austen's novels. Why? I have the Oxford edition because it's the one you have to cite from if you want to publish and I was published so there! I have the Norton critical editions because it gives a good smattering of the popular criticism about that given novel. I have a 6 in 1 edition which I bought to travel for when I can't decide what book to take (and I can always decide so really this edition is just taking up space...) and I have the mass market paperbacks for when I'm sick and stuck in bed and don't want to be hefting a big ol' book. SEE! It makes sense! Sort of. Some of the multiple editions are different translations...which also makes sense...but maybe only to me.

3. I hate having my picture taken. I know. Many people will also say this about themselves, but by HATE I mean HATEWITHTHEFIREOFATHOUSANDSUNS. HATE like native islanders who think the camera will steal their souls. As in, when I was a teenager I destroyed most of my childhood pictures because I hated seeing myself on a piece of paper. It gives me the heeby-jeebies. I tend to duck out of most pictures and if I can't then I tend to destroy the evidence afterwards.

4. I have red, naturally curly hair. You can't tell me this isn't weird or random because I have to do something with it. Every day.

5. I love a list. I have been known to put things that I've already done on a To Do list just so that I can have the pleasure of scratching them off. I love it. I know. Somebody call the psych ward.

6. I hate clutter. Including work sitting on my desk. Everything has to be put away or I can't concentrate. Our apartment is positively institutional. There are NO knick-knacky crap things lying around--I can't stand them! Not even pictures...they have to be hung up on the wall or not at all. And we don't have house plants because I can't seem to keep them alive.

7. I hate things tight around my throat. No turtlenecks, chokers, bands, anything. I can't stand it. Same with wrists or fingers...if my rings are too tight, they come off...I can't wear a watch because it's too constricting and my watch is loose.

There. I did it! And I successfully avoided all food related weirdness. I could probably do a whole series of memes about food related oddities but it hits a bit too close to home and at some point my family may read this and I don't want them disgruntled for bringing up private things in a public sphere. Man that was hard. Next up, I want Tessie to do this one, and also Sarah B. and Chantelle!