Patchwork Thinking

on 21 June 2010

I think I'm approaching incoherency lately.  I knew that June would be busy, it's what made me delight in the lazy days of May, but we're 3 weeks in and I'm approaching a total loss of coherent thought.  In the spirit of that incoherency, I'm presenting you with some random thoughts that have been doing some sort of hippy-woodstock inspired dance in my grey matter.  Enjoy!

**********

The Boy is STILL off of his schedule.  I cheerfully threw it out the window for the family reunion, and actually, in spite of the sleep problems, it was so sweet to see him and his cousins.  But I am willing to acknowledge now that I am sometimes susceptible to maternal delusion.  I thought I could get him back on his schedule in a week and...well...it's 2 weeks later and he's STILL off his schedule and I'm rapidly reaching the end of my patience.  He's waking up at 6am and then he fights the nap and once the nap has won out he only sleeps an hour and then by 5pm he's FOUL in a way that should not be.  And it's not just the lack of sleep, it's that he wants to be rocked into oblivion so if I have the audacity to put him down when he's only mostly asleep and not entirely asleep, woe, WOE to us.  He howls, he screams and he claws after me.  Last week I laid down the law about the fits for being put in his crib awake, and that seems to be kicking in.  I think this week we're going back to his normal schedule and it's just going to be unpleasant for a while.

A part of me wonders if this all isn't futile.  After all, I'll just get him back on his schedule and then we'll be traveling again for the first half of July and then moving the last half of July...I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't just suck it up until August...but then the other part of me thinks that if I let it go longer then it's just going to be that much harder come August.  And now, I would like to welcome you to the chaos of my inner life right now...

**********
 
I never thought that I would be a Mommy.  I've always referred to myself as Mama with the Boy, I just assumed that's what he would call me.  Alas.  Not so much.  He had a bad night last Thursday night.  A hard time going to sleep and then nightmares.  Chris was up late and heard him so he went in and tried to console him but he was really howling so I went in to see what was going on and as soon as he saw me in the door it was:

MOOOOOOOOOOOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

And that's when I realized what a sweet and terrible word that is.  I tried to rub his back and then leave him with his father.  After all, Chris can take care of him too.  Chris loves him, he's (sort of) empathetic.  What he lacks in patience, he makes up for in tenderness.  But the Mommy scream continued unabated and I went back in and Chris looks up at me and says, "I think he might want you."  It was so dry that I had to laugh.  I took over the rocking and cuddling him back to sleep and after he was laid down and settled I went back to bed.  I lay there trying to sleep and thinking about what an awful word Mommy is.  There's nothing bad in it per se, but when it's wailed like that, it felt like he was pulling my heart right out of my chest.  It physically hurt.  I wanted to cry.  But then...maybe it's supposed to be that way.

And in the end, I don't care if he calls me Mama or Mommy.  As long as he knows that I love him.

**********
 

What's better than a blanket?  A blanket on your head.  
What's better than a blanket on your head?  
Having your Mom under the blanket with you.

**********

I had this really strange epiphany the other day.  Well, first I should tell you that I started knitting.  I set it as a goal when we moved down here.  My Grandma knits and my sisters don't so I thought maybe I should learn.  So when we moved down here I set out to teach myself to knit...there are some great videos and within a couple of days or so I figured it out.  Then I asked my sister to teach me to crochet over New Years and she did, so I started working on this sweater for the Boy.  I should say that the sweater was intended for Easter and here I am still working on it.  It might be done in time for Halloween.  Anyway, so I've been working on this sweater and taking breaks in between to work on other things.  But I was looking at some knitting patterns and I ordered a book (because that's what I DO.  When I need to know how to do something I read a book) and I started thinking about the whole thing.  And I had this epiphany.

What I don't like about knitting (or crocheting for that matter) is that I love the instant gratification of being able to START and FINISH a project in short periods of time.  And knitting doesn't work like that.  Sometimes, you can do that...small or simple projects that come together in a matter of a few hours instead of a few months, but usually it takes a long time.

Some of Chris' professional frustration is that he feels like he's working working working and not getting anywhere.  His progress is in incriments and there's rarely a finished-completed-no loose ends project DONE at the end of the day.  He wants the satisfaction of being able to say "I did THIS" at the end of the day and know that it's DONE.

Sometimes Chris and I could not possibly be more different and sometimes we're the exact same person.

So I'm practicing my knitting and trying to teach myself to find pleasure in the work itself instead of fixating all of my satisfaction on the outcome.

**********

Yesterday was one of those days that I got to the end of it and had no idea how I had managed to get everything done.  I thought in the morning that there was no way we would get everything done that we had to, but lo, there I was at the end of the day and it was done. 

**********

I'm trying to sell some stuff on craigslist.  The guy totally flaked out about the jogging stroller...he was supposed to meet us south of Savannah and we drove out there, waited half an hour and then drove home because DUDE.  I do NOT have all day to sit around waiting for you to decide to show up.  But I did manage to sell some older bookshelves...fingers crossed that we'll sell the rest of this stuff and we won't have to move it.

**********

The Boy and the cats battle each other every morning for the sunbeams.  We get morning sun through our back door and I open the blinds for the cats to wallow in the sunshine because they love it and I know it and I love them.  But lately, the Boy has taken to packing his breakfast, his blanket and some books and laying down in the sunshine to have a leisurely morning soak in the sunshine.  It's actually quite funny to watch the 3 of them shift and maneuver for the best spots.  

**********

Chris has a phone interview on Wednesday morning!  Think good things for us please?  I think this could be a really good job for him, and it would certainly be nicer to move WITH a job than it is WITHOUT.

**********

 Ok, now I feel bad for blogging instead of working on the stuff I have to do today so I'm going to cut this off here.  It's not the sum total of all of the incoherency, but it's a good bit of it.  Thanks for listening to me ramble for a while.

3 comments:

Rae said...

I hope the phone interview went well today. Thinking of you all!

Sibley Saga .... said...

If your thinking is like a patchwork quilt, mine is a crazy quilt. : )

Brett said...

I refer to myself as Mommy, but Cat always calls me Mama. These kids just won't be told what to do! And, I'm with you on the knitting thing. Have you thought about just knitting/crocheting little flowers to make into clips or something? Then it can be DONE in less than a few... months.