Confession. And a Crossroads
So, I have a confession to make.
I love this little boy.
I love him with a love that is fierce and protective and primal. I love him enough to want better for him than for myself. I want to make everything happy and easy for him even though I know that in the long term that would be bad for him. I love him to the point where I wish I could wrap his little heart in bubble wrap to protect him from the world.And yet, I am done breastfeeding.
I know. Believe me. I have read and researched and read some more. I know it is what is absolutely best for him nutritionally. I know it fills him chock full of antibodies. I know it's the perfect balance for him. I know. And yet. I am still done.
I would like to take a moment to bid adieu to any male readers I might have. Adieu, male readers, this one is for the ladies.
Are we down to just us girls now? Ok.
I'm done with being sore all. the. time. I'm done with being exhausted all. the. time. And I'm not talking "Oh, I'm feeling a little tired, I'll take a nap and feel 100%!" No, this is bone-weary, mind-numbing exhaustion. This is the kind of exhaustion where you can't keep up with conversations any more. I'm done obsessing over supply issues. I'm done fretting over every single thing that I ingest into my body. I'm super done worrying about every bite that I eat and oh--will this upset his sweet little tummy? Most of all, I'm done dreading those 5 times a day when I have to feed him. And I do. I watch the clock and I dread it.
I would like to qualify. I have loved breastfeeding him. I love having my time with him when it's just him and me. I love snuggling him in close and I especially love that he's discovered textures and runs his little hands over my face and neck. I love the whole earth-mother-natural thing that we've had going on so far. But I sat down today to feed him and I sighed and wished in that moment that I was anywhere else. And then I covered his face with kisses because I felt small and mean for wishing to be away from him when he needed me. We had planned to breastfeed for a year. And then dealing with the low-supply drama train we shortened that to 6 months. And now that he's getting the hang of food I'm thinking--I'm done.
And so, I am at a crossroads. Do I continue to breastfeed him, knowing that it's what's best for him and all the while secretly resenting that he demands this of me? Or do I leave breastfeeding while I can still say that I have loved it and will absolutely do it with all future children and accept that I was raised entirely on formula and lo, I turned out all right in the end?
Comments: Please be nice. It's been a long day at the end of a long week--he's also not sleeping so well right now (we're talking waking up 3 times a night thinking it's time to play and then not napping during the day and being Super Foul) which means that I'm not sleeping right now so try not to pick on the Wife while she's down.
Labels: The Boy
posted by M @ 6:27 PM
10 Comments
10 Comments:
Hey Melissa. I've been following your blog silently for a while, but I definitely want to comment on this.
Don't feel guilty about not breastfeeding. It was so hard for me when I quit, and I only did it for a week. But when I got sick and ended up in the emergency room and my baby wouldn't eat and I was bawling every time I fed her, I knew it was time to move on to formula. I felt guilty for several weeks afterwards, because breastfeeding really is special and close, but I quickly got over it.
Like you said, you were raised on formula and you turned out fine. As did I. As will our beautiful babies. :)
Do what is best for you! People will always criticize the decisions we make involving our children. The debate between breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding is intense and unfortunately, leaves many good women feeling guilty and insecure for nothing more than doing their best. The boy won't be any less brilliant because you did or did not breastfeed 6 months, 1 year, or 2 years. Although, there are plenty out there who would have you think otherwise. I have done the whole resentment path, don't! It's not worth it. You are a wonderful mother. The boy may not know that now but he will in due time.
Oh me oh my. The drama of motherhood. I think the whole to breastfeed or not to breastfeed issue is more explosive than talking about epidurals with folks. I really hope everyone is nice for you. Here were my immediate reactions.
Reaction #1: I hear you sister!
Reaction #2: But maybe you could hold on.
Reaction #3: But it would be good to end on a good note.
Reaction #4: But formula is so dang expensive and I know you wouldn't do WIC.
Okay, and there were lots more. I can honestly say that I can find good arguments for and would support either decision. But, I do want to throw in my two cents. Something about this age is hard. You've been doing it for 4 months, you see the light at the end of the tunnel so you want to be there. I wish I could tell you how great it is to stick it out and keep going. But I can't. Because I gave up on both my babies. I started supplementing with Alayna at 4 months and Jacob at 1 month. And I regret it. I wonder how we would have done if I had pushed through. Are my kids permanently damaged? Not by that. (Maybe by some other things though.) Am I disappointed in myself? Yep. That's why I'm determined to stick it out with James. But baby #3 is different from baby #1 in so many ways. And mom is different to. Basically this is a really long post saying that I completely understand, my choice was to give up, and I regretted it. But who knows, I may have grown to resent Alayna if I had kept on with it. Oh, sheesh! This is so dang hard!!!! Pray about it and you'll know what's best for Cameron AND for you. It has to be right for both of you. Just know that if you supplement it is going to make any supply problems you have much worse. And if you do decide to stop do it gradually because I stopped cold turkey with Jacob and OUCH!!! Just cut out one feeding every couple of days til you're done. Or maybe you'll decide that twice a day isn't so bad and stay there...who knows? Helpful aren't I? Not!
I hardly feel like I can share advice with you because I look up to you more than anything. But. I don't want you to feel like you're 'hurting' your child when I don't think you are! I finished breastfeeding at the same time- less by choice, more because no more supply, but Thatcher is THRIVING and HEALTHY and STRONG. If you're really torn, have you considered pumping at all? I enjoyed pumping more than breastfeeding but we also had our own good reasons for that. Just an idea. But, I don't think you're a bad mother. I think you have done a very good job, and the official recommendations are to breastfeed for 6-12 months right?! You've done your fair share. I love you and you are a wonderful, bright, intelligent and amazing woman. Now quit your fretting!
I don't really have any "advice", but I think you know what's best for you and that is usually best for the baby. Many of us understand the guilty feeling. I cried for a few days after I switched Anna over to formula. But it was the best for me, therefore, the best for her.
miss, don't stress. food's food. look how long you've kept this baby alive! :) (remember the house plants...) i stopped with lily around four months (and i missed "the experience" with an ache after two more of not), eva was nursed til her 1st birthday, jane had to switch to formula when she was three months because of my life-threatening emergency that robbed me of daily nursing for two weeks (remember my week long hospital stay a few years back?) - so she forgot me completely and was forced to bottle feed - loved it so much, she didn't even know me when i got to see her a week later. (some kids - so ungrateful.) but they're all fine! :) breast is best, food is essential - it really ultimately doesn't matter how they get it, just so long as they do. and it may be a totally different experience with your next one. (almost guaranteed, in fact.) love you!
First, you are the only one who can make this decision. And if you stop it won't make you a less wonderful mother. You are a great mom!
Second, I would like to echo a few things other people have said. Have you tried pumping instead? If that is easier, you could try that for some of the feedings. Also, maybe if you cut back on nursing and do half and half with formula you won't be as sore, etc, but you can still have that closeness for a couple more months.
But again, do what feels right for you and for Cameron! I know you will! You've given him more than 4 months of wonderful breastmilk!
Duder. You know everything I'd say because I've already said it in an email. Hang in there. Follow your heart - and listen to these ladies, because no matter what you do, you'll face an adjustment period (Guilt! Resentment! Whatever!) - but in the end, you'll be okay. You'll **both** be okay.
I support you and love you no matter what!
Good comments all around. Just want to add my love and support and promise of non-judgment. You're a good mom. You're a great mom. And there's no question you love your child.
Hey M, my heart feels for you because I know this decision had to be so tough for you but I know you are doing what is best for both you and Cameron. And you know what, that is all that you need to do. Don't worry about what other people will think, do or say - only worry about you and your family. :)
And in closing, I'll say follow Whimsy's advice. (I obviously don't know what her email entailed but I know how close you are so I trust her judgment!) This part was my favorite: "Follow your heart - and listen to these ladies, because no matter what you do, you'll face an adjustment period (Guilt! Resentment! Whatever!) - but in the end, you'll be okay. You'll **both** be okay." :)
Big hugs to you. Let me know if you need anything!
P.S. sorry I'm late in seeing this - last week was one of THOSE weeks.
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