Midnight blogging

Just in case you didn't believe me about the nightly heartburn/acid reflux, here I am at 12:30am updating my blog because 2 Zantec and 8 TUMS is just not enough.

I'd rather be in Bed Sweet Bed asleep. It was not such a good day on the nap front. And last night this activity lasted until 4am so I'm a bit tired...and also crabby.

The doctor's visit was a bit better, I'm no more dilated than I have been but I am more effaced which is a good thing...either way we're still looking at an induction on Monday morning. Yay for me.

I know. There are people who swear by inductions. There are people who think that c-sections are the only way to have a baby. There are also the other extreme of people who think that the only way to have a child is at your home with a midwife.

I've done a lot of research on this topic in the past few months. I started off thinking that it's just a DAY...it doesn't have to be such a big deal, but the fact is that sometimes the things that happen to women on that one DAY have physical repercussions that can last the rest of their lives and I'd really rather not traipse into those things if I can help it.

I just ate a piece of bread, I'm hoping that absorbs some of the acid--I can hear it sloshing around in there...and it's grossing me out.

Anyway.

As some of you know, I really wanted a natural, unmedicated, physiological birth. I didn't want to evict the Boy, I wanted him to come when he's ready, on his own, by his choice--or the choice of his body and mine. I wanted my body to do what it is built to do without intervention, without medication. There's a string of chemical reactions that take place in the brain that create a bond between mother and child through the natural process of birth and I really wanted to experience that. I need to experience that.

My greatest fear at this point is that I won't feel connected to this child. He is a stranger to me. And yet. It's my job to nurture and care for him and without that chemical reaction, how will it happen? I know plenty of mothers and they all tell me not to worry about this--that it will come, but I can't help but think that they are simply better women than I am and that I'm perfectly justified in being worried about this.

I hope that I'm wrong.

The fact remains that we're likely facing an induction. A heavily medicated induction chock full of all of the things I DID NOT want, pitocin, constant electronic monitoring, an epidural and nurses yelling at me to PUSH. Add to this the reality that 1 in 3 inductions ends in a c-section and you're looking at a very scared Wife. I REALLY don't want surgery. You lose twice as much blood, your recovery time is doubled and it's a black mark on your insurance record now a days.**

It's just not the way I wanted to bring the Boy into this world. But at this point I'm caught between a rock and hard place--or as the case IS, between my body and its inadequacies and the US health care system. My doctor, the hospital, they won't let us go past 41 weeks. I'm 41 weeks on Saturday. So waiting until the Boy is ready to come out on his own is a moot point. And yes, lovely people, we've tried everything...well, everything that we're willing to try--I'm not doing castor oil because my GI system is sufficiently rancid on it's own right now without inviting catastrophe. So, we wait. We walk. We take the stairs. We hope hope HOPE that he chooses to come out on his own in the next 3 days before modern medicine takes charge.

And we take more TUMS because the bread isn't doing much at this point. And then we go to bed and try to sleep and try not to dwell on this topic any longer.

I apologize for being cagey over the past few days, but this has been the only topic on my mind and I have been reluctant to write about it as I know that people have STRONG opinions about this and I really didn't want to engage in open hostilities about birth. Every woman is different and what every woman needs and wants is different and all women should be entitled to give birth in the manner of their choice--the fact is, the reality is, that most women don't have that choice, or if they do, their choices are limited by their bodies, the insurance companies and the US health care system.

Clearly, my judgment is impaired by lack of sleep at this point as I have just rambled on extensively on a subject that I didn't want to enter in to to begin with.

So, I'm taking my son--who is currently rammed up against my loopy and acidic stomach and we're going to bed. Well, we're going to chomp some more TUMS and then we're going to bed.





**The New York Times ran an article around the end of June about women being refused insurance coverage because they had had previous c-sections and were still fertile, thus the c-section becomes a prior existing condition that may necessitate additional c-sections in the future and insurance companies don't want to pay for them. Welcome to the US Healthcare System! It sucks! Can we get you a drink? Chances are you're going to need one.