Conversation

The Husband and I were talking last night. It was one of those conversations that can only happen after the sun sets, the Boy is in bed, we were speaking in hushed tones and I was feeling a bit weepy (not, you know, hysterical sobbing, just...sort of...wistful and sentimental).

He's been doing a bunch of job applications and emailing anyone and everyone to try to find something before he graduates (in a MONTH. ONE (1) Month!). He was talking about maybe not applying for this job because of where it's located. It's somewhere that neither of us has ever lived and he's never even been there to visit (I have, a couple of times).

We ended up having this great conversation about fear and faith. About put up or shut up. About not allowing fear to keep you back from certain experiences, even if those experiences might be painful.

And as the conversation was winding down, he was about to repossess the laptop to apply for that aforementioned job, we started talking about graduation. I was telling him about how I felt the last month or so of the pregnancy. I was equal parts impatience--I knew our life was going to change and I just wanted to get going with it already--and abject FEAR. I didn't know HOW our life was going to change and I was scared to death. I thought, "I can do pregnancy. It's not pretty and it's not pleasant but I can DO it. What if I CAN'T do motherhood?"

And we chuckled together because that's really how we both feel now. For the first time since we've been together we're looking at an imminent future where neither of us will be a student. Our lives won't be oriented around the academic school year. We won't be planning vacations and visits based off of a school calender. And strange as it may seem, we're both equal parts impatience and abject fear.

I know. I know that everything will work out. We'll get a job, we'll graduate, we'll move on. We'll change. As individuals and our marriage. We might even have another kid--the one we have is working out pretty well and he's awfully cute. I just wish that I could banish that half of me that is abject fear. I really need to get some sleep.