Drawn and Quartered

on 26 October 2009

And so we come to the end of the Travel Posts. I have learned some stuff, oh yes I have. And this is the part where I share it with you.

I was packing up in New York to fly back to North Carolina. Back to my Boy. Back to our life, his and mine. But I was flying without Chris. My Man. And thus, I was miserable.

As we hung out and talked that night, I was telling him that this must be the modern day equivalent of being drawn and quartered.

When it was just us, just me and Chris, I never felt pulled in any particular direction. We spent time together, he and I, but if I wanted to do my own thing, I did it. If I wanted to go my own way, I went. I didn't feel pulled or tugged or pushed or torn. Now that we have the Boy, that's all different.

I feel pulled in 3 different directions most of the time. I feel torn when I can't be in all places all at once. It physically hurts to have to choose one over the other, even if it's just for a short time. I can only imagine that this is going to get worse as we add other children in to the mix.

But fly away, I had to. And I did. And I hugged and kissed my reluctant and decidedly ANNOYED Boy. He sulked and howled and pushed me away. And it hurt, but I would do the same thing again. Chris and I were before the Boy was. And We will be, when the Boy goes his own way. We have to nurture what we have, sometimes that means that we choose to spend our time and energy doing just that.

But, when I got in the car to drive home the next day, I could feel it again...that insistent pull, drawing us home, fasterfasterfaster, pushpushpush, don't stop, don't take a break, drivedrivedrive until you're home and all together again. The Boy screamed for the last 3 hours of the drive (and I mean, 3 HOURS, I cried with him for the last 45 minutes or so...).

Chris really believes that Love is Liberating. It sets you free. I've been skeptical of that, and I think that I feel more comfortable now saying that no, Love is not Liberating. Love binds us to others, it subjugates our will, our freedom to come and go at will, and ties us to someone else. And yes, we want it, we choose it, but it's still a binding and confining thing. We sacrifice ourselves to be drawn and quartered again and again because we love them.


Bird said...

I agree with your comment about love being binding not freeing. With/for love you put the needs of something else (a relationship, a life, a person) ahead of your needs and that's not freeing. It can be rewarding, but no, not freeing. Interesting thought.

Whimsy said...

Love this.

Can I leave it at that?

I think I will.