Past and Future

I didn't really grow up around my own Grandmother.  I have vague memories of my Grandparents (on my Mom's side) from my childhood, but we moved west when I was 9 and I don't have many memories of any of my Grandparents after that.

I never thought it was a big deal...I felt like I was fine in spite of not having much of a relationship with my Grands.  But I also saw my peers and how much they LOVED their Grandparents and I felt vaguely like maybe I was missing out on something.

I love my Grandma, I always have, but I've also been keenly aware that I was not her favorite (that dubious title belongs to my Sister) and so I never made much effort to win her affection.  And now I'm of such an age that I can just be sassy with her and try to make her laugh, which is always my ambition when we meet up.

I've always thought of myself as rather jaded.  I always thought it was difficult to crack the shell around my heart.  And then I had kids.  And they break my heart almost on a daily basis.  And then this happened...

We had all gathered the Saturday before Father's day to fete my own Dad and Christopher, the beloved father of my babies.  And we were just sitting around chatting after dinner and my Grandma reached out for my Girl.   It's rare to see my Grandma smile like that, I don't blame her, I think it must be very hard to pass year after year and watch the people you love pass out of your life and on to the next, and then not to be able to do things that you've ALWAYS done.  It can't be easy.  And so it's rare to see my Grandma smile like that.

But that's the power of my Girl.

It was one of those extraordinary moments, I was sitting right next to my Grandma and this little voice whispered in my head, "You're going to remember this for the rest of your life.  Enjoy it."  I sat there in the presence of the Past and the Future of my own family, keenly aware of my own part as the Present.

Mirish asked me my thoughts about Motherhood and I've thought and thought about what to write about that.  And the honest truth is that most days, I just don't know.  I feel like it is a Great and Terrible thing, to carry the Future within the confines of your own body and then to get up every morning and feel the weight of teaching and shaping and nurturing that future.  No wonder so many mothers are tired.  What blows my mind on a fairly regular basis is that, for all that weight, the days are comprised of just moments.  Some good, some not so good, and a few really extraordinary ones.