A Tale of Marital Restraint

Chris snores.

It's not a disparagement on him at all, lots of people snore, but my man snores like a ROCK CONCERT.  It's amplified.  It's loud.  It's beyond LOUD.

Now, normally, I can get him to roll over or change positions so that it resumes it's soft, breathy quality.  But every once in a while...oh my, every once in a while the man snores so loud I worry that the neighbors will call the police on us for running a chain saw in the middle of the night in an apartment!  And those are usually the nights when I cannot budge him, oh no, it is very much like a Dead Man Snoring in my bed.  He lays in the same position all night long, snoring at full volume in my ear.

In those moments it's hard not to feel like he's doing it out of SPITE.

After all, this is the man who can sleep through ANYTHING!  Literally.  I can get up early, turn on lights, read, shower, run the blow dryer, plop the Boy into bed next to him, cough in his ear, dump the cats on top of him and nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  He just snores right through all of it.

And believe me, I'm no picnic to share a bed with right now...I'm awash in a sea of pillows and blankets in my (mostly) vain attempts to get comfortable enough to sleep, but my bones hurt so badly that I end up shifting from one side to the other all night long as I try to relieve the pain in my hips and back.  But one would think that given my level of discomfort while gestating his progeny, the man would cut me some slack and try to keep the snoring to a minimum so that I can sleep.

But no.

He snores at top volume and I'm left laying there contemplating one of two options:

• Hit him over the head as hard as I can with one of my pillows and then glare at him until he realizes that he is the reason I am not currently asleep.  In more ways than one.  Or...
• Retreat to the futon because getting even more worked up will not help me on the sleep front.

Tempting though the first option ALWAYS is, I have yet to choose it.  I usually retreat to the futon, which is now a decidedly chilly options since I'm refusing to turn the furnace on.

And as if being driven from Bed Sweet Bed were not hard enough, I then have the cats to contend with.  One more night like I've had recently and I'm taking them both to the POUND.  Leike sleeps all day long--and that's no exaggeration, unless we vacuum, she sleeps ALL. DAY. LONG.  And then prowls all night.  Having passed Cat 101, she enjoys her nocturnal wanderings.  And usually I am oblivious to her weaving herself in and out of the blinds or chasing her tail, or hunting her gray mouse toy (complete with hunting cry).  She can also open doors, so long as they aren't shut tight.

Agnes on the other hand, apparently FAILED Cat 101 because she parks herself between Chris and I in Bed Sweet Bed for the entirety of the night.  When one of us (i.e. ME) leaves Bed Sweet Bed, she's at a complete loss.  She knows not what to do.  Stay with Chris?  Cuddle M?  And if you shut the door, even if the latch doesn't catch, forget it!  She's completely trapped!  She can't open any door to save her life.  So she resorts to howling at top volume until someone comes to her aid.

So between Chris snoring like a chain saw, Agnes howling (I foolishly tried to minimize the volume of Chris' snores by pulling the door to the frame), Leike hunting, and my own inability to get comfortable, it all makes for a sleep deprived and decidedly disgruntled M.

Lately my fantasies have elaborated to include a soft hotel bed, solitude, and a spa bathtub.