CAUTION: Manatee Area
If you drive south on I-95, past Savannah; you will begin to encounter these signs.
They aren't part of the highway, obviously, they're posted down on the various rivers so that people in motor boats will slow down and be cautious. I have no idea if it actually works.
But I like this. Partly because I really like Manatees. They're slow and fat and peaceful creatures. They basically swim around and eat all day. They aren't flashy like sharks, they're not trying to win the world over like dolphins. They're just content to swim around and eat all day and prefer to be left alone.
I'm starting to think it would be nice to have a CAUTION: M Area outside my door. Just as a warning to people that I'm really better left alone right now. I'm not flashy, friendly or funtastic. I have very little to contribute to any kind of activity or gathering right now. Please don't ask for my involvement in any kind of organization. I will not be attending your pool party.
I woke up with the Boy at 5:30 this morning. He went to bed way past his bedtime last night, so I made him a bottle and sat in his darkened room with him while he slurped it down. I was thinking about Broken for You again and the inevitability of how broken we all are. How we are repeatedly broken by various circumstances, but how we usually reserve the piecing of our lives back together for private.
I have been feeling like my duct tape is showing. I haven't really had enough time for glue, so I've just sort of taped the pieces of my life back together, and I feel like that tape is showing through. In spite of all my best efforts to hide it, to put on a smile and attempt optimism, I can feel it slipping.
I just want to float. To hide out in deep water for a while, quietly eat my veg and be left in peace. Unfortunately, I have nothing in my history that gives me hope of actually having a peaceful time to recoup. I can almost feel it coming, more change, more involvement, more more more expected of me.
Maybe it's this time of year. After all, this time last summer I was approximately the size and shape of a manatee. I was also hiding out. Freaking out. Feeling more and more change coming my way in the size and shape of the Boy. Maybe that's all it is. But maybe not.
Labels: life
posted by M @ 8:00 AM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
Joe caught me in a moment of reflection-basically I was staring off into space and he asked me what I was thinking. I told him my thoughts about impending motherhood. I think I unintentionally made it sound like impending 'doom', but I like the way you put it instead. Impending CHANGE can be just as scary as that doom.
Ya know, I think it's totally normal to feel like this. You move forward, go and go and go, looking toward this great goal (in this case of finishing up the school experience). And when you finally reach the much anticipated point in your life, it inevitably involves change of some sort where much of what was near, dear, and inside your comfort zone is snatched right from your hand. It is hard. Period. And I think it's totally part of the experience that we need to be quiet, search within ourselves to see exactly who we've become through these past experiences, and regroup.
One of the nice things about moving to a new place is that you have the opportunity to take some time before jumping into a community and signing up for volunteer opportunitites or party attending. I think its a double bonus for it also being summer. You and the boy can go to the park or the library or where ever and just hang out the two of you with no pressure to get out of the house and see people.
I'm sure after the move and packing/unpacking you're feeling a little worn. Any chance for a nice afternoon with a good book and some quiet time in the near future? I'm always more friendly when I'm rested and have had some good me-activity time.
I think Gina has a very good point.... and there's nothing wrong with giving yourself time to regroup, and time to also reinvent. It goes back to that conversation again about our experiences defining who we are. They don't, of course. But they have an awful lot to do with who we do become. And while I don't think of you as a lumbering slow-witted ocean creature (lovely though they are), I can understand how you want to have CAUTION signs around you.
Hang in there.
Methinks that more change is coming your way as well. But then again - whose life is ever sitting still for long?
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