Outside
I was doing my normal weekly clean-laundry-put-crap-away routine, when I noticed that the kids were both in their room.
So I stood outside the shut door and listened.
I could hear them both playing (together!) and laughing (at the same time!) and having a great time in general.
I wanted so badly to go in and watch them, or even better, to be part of it. But then I had this realization.
Inside that room is their own world. It belongs to them. And as the Mom, I don't have any part of it. Outside of that room there are rules and routine and discipline and order and structure, and that's the world that I am a part of. I knew that if I were to go in there, even just to watch them play, that the dynamic would change.
I can't tell you how sad it made me. I cried telling Chris about it later on. I just wanted to see them having fun together. But I made myself go back to work, back to making lunches and putting the apartment in order. Because even though it made me sad, it's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be able to give my Boy a sibling to grow up with, to play with and love and be friends with. And I can't help but feel that in order for that to really happen, I just have to get out of the way.
At least some of the time...
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